Kids of all ages bundled up
like Eskimos in so many layers of clothing we began to lose our shapes and
identities. True, no one seemed to care
as we stood on frigid street corners in the morning waiting for a bus to take
us from Cornhill to some other destination on the polar ice cap we knew as Utica.
And in the dark of a late
afternoon, I waited for the bus on the
Busy Corner stamping my feet to ward off the cold when it was at minus 4 degrees. As I stood in the crowd, shivering under my
coat, vest, sweater, plaid shirt, striped tie, and two undershirts, I got to
thinking. “How can I tell if a girl I’m
thinking of flirting with is really Mary Lou or her younger brother Bruno?
Not wanting to make a monumental mistake so
early in my career of speaking to girls, and to delay the always difficult task
of saying Hello to a young woman, I spent my time on the bus stop freezing in my
boots and devising a foolproof method to determine gender by way of only conversation. All of this was just in case I got up the
nerve to speak. I figured I could ask
the following questions instead of having to inquire, "Are you a
girl?" So I offer them to young
men everywhere. Or at least to those
anal enough to be interested.
First, young men, confining
your inquiries to people shorter than yourself will greatly increase the odds
of success. Anyone taller than you
either isn’t a girl or is older than you.
Here’s the first conversation opener.
"What do you think of
my new boots?" A boy will ignore
the question. A young woman will always
be polite.
"How is your
mother?" A girl will look guilty,
then immediately begin to complain that her mother doesn’t understand her.
"Do you like the new
books in the library?" A young
man will often look confused, then
embarrassed.
"What's the weather
for tomorrow?" A guy will reply
with specifics, like wind velocity, dew
point or thermal convection quotients. A
young lady will likely choose more personal words like comfy or horrid, suffocating or chilly. And then she may mention her mother again.
"Have we met
before?" A girl … even your sister
… will invariably say no.
"How much do you
weigh?" A young woman will ignore the question or quickly stamp on
your toe.
"That's a pretty
outfit you're wearing." A girl will
move her hips once, very slightly. A
young man will flare his nostrils.
"I like where your
outfit bulges out." A young woman
will walk away, but if not she’ll move her hips two or three times. A guy will laugh or walk away or punch
you. Any other reaction should cause
alarm.
I haven’t found anyone yet
who believes this story. When I told my
wife the yarn on our second date, she said I could make anything
complicated. Then she stamped on my toe.
David Griffin copyright 2009
The Windswept Press
Murells Inlet, South Carolina
www.windsweptpress.com
