Rather than run their
air conditioning, Efficient Neighbors choose instead to tough it out and find
their cool elsewhere while the rest of us are safely tucked in our beds with a
blanket over us, the air conditioning turned up to high. Now that the Power Company has exposed these
poor folks as conservationists, I no longer worry if their A.C. is off because
of lost jobs or other financial setbacks.
My Efficient Neighbors
turn their heat down in the winter and sit around watching TV while wearing
those Obi-Wan Kenobi robes as seen on TV, the kind in which you can hold and sip
a Hot Chocolate while keeping your hands covered if you're careful. You can bring the cup inside the robe if you
like danger, but that voids the warranty.
These same neighbors achieve gasoline efficiency by looking for routes to
the Organic Store that are mostly downhill.
Sure, they have to drive back home uphill, but to save fuel they make
the kids get out and walk.
The Power Company
didn't announce a name for my kind of power glutton. Maybe they would call me an Energy Abuser. I leave lights on in the cellar because I'm
planning to go right back down as soon as I grab another cup of coffee from the
pot I keep running continuously. I turn
the heat and the air conditioning up to high,
not usually at the same time, and let my engine idle in the driveway to
warm the car up before taking off by flooring the accelerator. I throw away batteries before they become
exhausted just to be sure my flashlight never starts to go dim and I've been
known to fall asleep in front of the TV late at night and let it burn up the
kilowatt hours until dawn.
Just as you can pick
out the nerdy Efficient Neighbors by their sweat and tears, we Energy Abusers
are also apparent to all but the most casual observer. Usually our homes are well lit by
incandescent bulbs and our eyes are not all squinty from trying to read in dim light
or the yellow glare of those new bulbs that look like soft ice cream cones. We leave the porch light burning all evening
because our kids will be coming home at eleven.
And if we just stopped by your house to drop something off, we left the
car running in the driveway. Our utility
bills are so high the power company has considered hand delivering them.
"We're here to
help you save," says their folksy envelope stuffer. "We're not a company of
businessmen," it goes on, "we're a
company of
conservationists!" That is enough
to make one reach for the Dramamine.
Their plan calls for embarrassing me into using less power while they
appeal to the State Utilities Commission to raise rates to “help customers to
conserve.” Then they can do less work to
produce less power and make more money.
Maybe their company motto should be, “This isn’t a business, it’s a
screw job.”
David Griffin Copyright 2011
The Windswept Press
Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
windsweptpress.com
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